Heya folks, tonight’s the American Music Awards (one step below The Grammys and two steps above the People’s Choice Awards) and we’re here to liveblog the whole thee-hour shebang! Now that Mad Men’s wrapped up for the season, you’ve got no excuse not to tune in to see every last pop star try to outshine one another—with their performances, their outfits, or by just being an a-hole on-air. (Somebody’s gotta play the villain role in Kanye’s absence.) After the epic VMAs back in September, the AMAs have a lot to live up to in terms of incessantly-talked-about watercooler moments: if one drunken throw-down doesn’t take place, if Jennifer Lopez doesn’t stumble to the ground while prancing around in her Loubies, or if Lady Gaga refrains from terrifying us with a pantsless performance peppered with bodily fluids, we’re calling it a snoozefest. Onto the awards!
7:45 p.m. Pre-show! And it’s off to a predictable start—Perez Hilton is doing his typical media-whoring, Twilight no-names are given more attention than they deserve had they not been in that franchise, and Kelly Clarkson is wearing something unflattering for her body type.
7:46 p.m. This ABC dude on the red carpet=worst interviewer of all time?
7:50 p.m. Question: Do we actually care what musicians are listening to on their iPod? Especially when they just rattle off bands and artists without elaborating why they like them?
7:51 p.m. Signs you’re already too famous: Adam Lambert sprinting the carpet and bypassing almost all press. (Hey, at least he made enough time to talk to moi [picture a giant smirk on my face right now.])
7:54 p.m. Could Taylor Swift rip-offs instead of Lady Gags rip-offs be the fashion trend of the night? Selena Gomez is wearing Swift-esque silver sparkles as is Kelly Clarkson, while I don’t see anyone wearing a piece of red fabric wrapped around their face or a mane made out of swan feathers.
8:00 p.m. The opening beats to “What Have You Done For Me Lately” is already getting me kind of excited about this Janet Jackson medley.
8:01 p.m. Girl is killing it, too bad she’s dressed like what Pocahontas would look like if she was a feminist who refused to wear anything but pants.
8:02 p.m. Hey, Australia, Janet Jackson appears to be not singing completely live, ya gonna hate on her, too? Australia? You listening? Oh, wait, I forgot, this is the American Music Awards, where our artists can feel free to fake sing while wearing a headset as much as their heart desires. Continue, Ms. Jackson!
8:06 p.m. Okay, I’m throwing it out there – would all these awards shows currently care about Janet Jackson as much if not for her brother’s death? Yes, she’s still a phenomenal performer, but we all know anything MJ-related since his passing gets massive amounts of attention. Discuss.
8:08 p.m. Paula Abdul is the worst ventriloquist in the world. Oh wait, no, her mic wasn’t on. Also, her dress melted into the floor.
8:10 p.m. And the Backslashy Award (Best Pop/Rock—Band/Duo/Group) goes to the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie is also wearing a glittery silver dress. Swift, you trendsetter!
8:15 p.m. A sliver of presenter Kristen Bell’s stomach is showing. I’m enraptured by it. Oh and Best Country Band/Duo/Group goes to Rascal Flatts. Back to Bell’s stomach. Did she run out of fabric? Or was too shy to just go full-midriff? So confused.
8:17 p.m. Pete Wentz, presenting Daughtry’s performance, looks like he could, and probably will, beat somebody up in an alley. It’s a look that certainly suits him better than those 7,000 hoodies he’s so fond of wearing. I will plead the fifth on the facial hair.
8:19 p.m. Ah. Daughtry. This oughtta wake up the crowd.
8:21 p.m. And straight into a Shakira performance! It kind of sounds like “Hollaback Girl” version of “Give It Up To Me” with the claps and acappella sing-a-long with her backup dancers. And Shakira looks like she ran over a disco ball with a steamroller and wrapped it as tight as possible around her abdomen.
8:30 p.m. Sofia Vergara from Modern Family is having a freaking ball onstage! I wish I was that full of joy on a daily basis for no reason whatsoever.
8:31 p.m. This Keith Urban performance isn’t helping. What, no cutaway shots of Nicole Kidman in the audience?
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