We’ve come to the bittersweet end of American Idol Season 9. Yes, this has been a spectacularly dull season full of some questionable contestants and bizarre behavior from Ryan Seacrest—but that’s all part of the fun! We’re sad to live without Idol for another year, and even more heartbroken we’ll have to live without Simon Cowell for even longer. Keep your head held high and your pants down on the ground, and follow along with our live blog as we find out whether America is Team DeWyze or has finally crowned a female winner with Mama Sox.
8:01 p.m. We begin! And Lee is dressed like he’s an extra from Dead Poets Society.
8:04 p.m. Our bad—we just caught sight of Crystal’s plaid shorts and blazer. Are they both going to the Hogwarts homecoming dance?
8:06 p.m. The Idols perform “School’s Out”… and Alice Cooper shows up! Thankfully he is spared from wearing the embarrassing uniform.
8:12 p.m. Kris Allen begins singing his new single “The Truth” and is rudely interrupted by Ryan Seacrest’s mic still being on. Live TV, folks! We only wish Ryan’s mic accidentally stayed on so we could have a moment of comedy gold where he starts badmouthing Kara or something.
8:15 p.m. We were Team Glambert last year, but we have to admit, Kris Allen has earned his Idol crown. Solid performance.
8:17 p.m. Simon Cowell Insult Montage! Can this be turned into its own spin-off show? American Insult?
8:19 p.m. Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly duet on “How Deep Is Your Love.” If Siobhan doesn’t add a screech by the end of this, I’m going to be pissed.
8:20 p.m. Hey look! The surviving Bee Gees showed up to lull us to sleep. Zzzz. Siobhan’s screech will be our alarm clock to wake us up.
8:21 p.m. No screech? Fine, Siobhan, be that way.
8:26 p.m. Michael Lynche sashays down the staircase, singing “Takin’ It To The Streets” with Michael McDonald. We’re sure this was Big Mike’s absolute first choice of who he wanted to duet with and what song he wanted to sing. You know, not a gorgeous R&B number like every song he picked while on the show.
8:30 p.m. Dane Cook doing stand-up on stage right now is about as funny as if Lee DeWyze was doing stand-up with his guitar right about now.
8:31 p.m. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what just happened? Bad auditioners from seasons past and present coming on stage to harrass Simon? And it lasted all of three confusing seconds?
8:35 p.m. All the Top 12 girls come out to sing Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” like it’s a camp song. We wish Crystal had actually performed this song on the show, since it would be a change of pace from the predictable Etheridge/Joplin songs she kept picking.
8:36 p.m. Now they’re singing “Fighter.” How scared do you think Paige Miles is to perform tonight? Last time we saw her she was terrifying awful.
8:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera comes out to belt the last few notes of “Fighter” and put everyone on that stage to shame. Also she sings “You Lost Me,” and we are overjoyed she is not making us suffer through “Not Myself Tonight.”
8:40 p.m. By the by, “You Lost Me” (co-written by Sia) is one of the best tracks on Bionic, if not the best. Christina is redeeming herself right now for all the ball gag theatrics and vagina-talk she’s been doing lately. Well done, lady!
8:43 p.m. Even Ricky Gervais is having trouble being funny on this finale. Ugh.
8:48 p.m. The Top 12 Guys sing the incredibly modern and relevant Hall and Oates songs “I Can’t Go For That” and “Maneater.” Big surprise! Hall and Oates come out. We’d make another sarcastic comment about them singing “You Make My Dream Comes True,” but no joke, this song is fantastic. (Especially when it’s sung by H&O.)
8:51 p.m. Crystal dad’s is all kinds of awesome. Anyone else notice he has Mr. Bill tucked away in his front pocket?
8:53 p.m. We love Crystal singing Alanis Morissette, but Alanis has literally hundreds of other songs to choose over “Ironic.” And without an Alanis cameo, we’re not loving it—OH MY GOD ALANIS SHOWED UP. Criticism revoked. We. Love. This.
8:55 p.m. Lilith Fair is literally happening on stage before our eyes.
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