Last night the American Idol contestants were spoiled with compliments from the artists they covered under Stevie Nicks’ care and attention — and with performances by Nicki Minaj and Season 10 winner Scotty McCreery. And that was before we got to see how truly spoiled the kids are in their new posh Chez Idol digs. How high class is their mansion, you ask? It has a bidet, people! Unfortunately, Heejun Han won’t be going for a hilarious splish-splash anytime soon.
Before the festivities, Steven Tyler and Ryan Seacrest announced that Aerosmith is going on tour this year, and the female tweens in the audience went absolutely bonkers. Just confusingly shriek-y and excited about a band that was around for 30 years before they were even born. It was weird. Also, Steven said this: “We’ve been lighting the world’s ass on fire for 40 years…so we’re calling it the Global Warming Tour.” You got that, deniers? Global warming does exist, and it’s all Aerosmith’s fault, and they’re bringing it to a city near you!
Interscope chairman Jimmy Iovine had wonderful things to say about Wednesday night’s performances from Elise Testone, Phillip Phillips and Jessica Sanchez. But inevitably, Jimmy’s crusty side came out. He was tough on Joshua Ledet and Colton Dixon, saying their performances suffered because of the emotional breakdowns. He basically reenacted The Godfather’s “You can act like a man” scene, but with verbal slaps. And we have to agree with Jimmy, there’s absolutely no place for tears in the theater arts.
Speaking of theater…Nicki Minaj performed her spacey new hit “Starships” off her just-leaked new album. The performance was a decidedly less complicated affair than her Grammy exorcism-travaganza, but Nicki still danced so much that her little Barbz almost popped out, if you catch our drift. (This led to an uncomfortable Seacrest nip-slip joke later on.) Vocally, her backing track did most of the work, leaving us to question why she had a microphone at all… Oh, wait. It was for the post-performance interview in which Nicki said she wants to come back on the show as a guest judge, to which JLo jokingly replied, “I don’t know if there’s enough room for both of us up here.” There is a booty joke in there that we will refrain from making.
Nicki Minaj, “Starships” (Live on American Idol)
Jimmy then continued throwing shade, saying Hollie Cavanagh lacks experience and emotion, and that Heejun Han just doesn’t sing as well as the rest of the group (hard to disagree). He also thinks DeAndre Brackensick is underdeveloped and needs to earn his dues in the music business first. (But isn’t that the whole point of American Idol in the first place? That you get to SKIP the dues-paying line to fame?)
Then Scotty McCreery performed his single “Water Tower Town.” You know that saying “he can sing the phone book”? Yeah, Scotty can sing that, but instead chooses to sing a country song checklist: high school football, corn, saying grace, sweet tea and water towers. Check! Even if country isn’t your thing thang, you have to admit that’s quite the syrupy old voice coming out of that young Alfred E. Newman face.
Scotty McCreery, “Water Tower Town” (Live on American Idol)
After the song, Jimmy set his phasers to “Nice” again to present Scotty with his platinum album. Pretty impressive for a debut from an 18-year-old contest winner, right?
Finally, we got to the bottom, which consisted of Hollie (even though Carrie Underwood loved her performance), Heejun and Skylar Laine. In the end, Heejun got the boot. Add that to Erika Van Pelt-turned-Kris Jenner’s departure last week and that means there is officially a Curse of the 2.0! Change styles/personas/attitudes at your own risk, contestants.
Next Week: Get your scrunchies out because the Idols tackle the ’80s, and The Wanted perform on Thursday’s results show.
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